Living Single: Season Two
July 2018 was three years and six months ago. Three years and six months ago I published Living Single. A post about my then newly found single status and the new world of dating that had opened up for me. Not so spoiler alert: A few sentences into the post you read of my fleeting optimism and the annoyance that quickly arrived. Has much changed since then? Yes and no. My perspective remains the same, my status damn sure remains the same, but what isn’t the same is my level of optimism. No, it actually has not plummeted to the equator. I am indeed more optimistic, despite the dating pool being as murky as it was three years ago and with ghosting STILL being a thing. How is that? Bear with me, it’ll make perfect sense.
Since my last relationship, I’ve learned a game-changing amount of new things about myself as a mate, someone’s partner. The first being I knew nothing much at all. My learning began with reading “All About Love" by Bell Hooks - may she continue to rest. Reading All About Love has allowed me to establish a secure foundation for my [love] life. What is love? Way more than a feeling, and maybe not one at all, I’ve learned. It’s defined by Bell as “The combination of care, commitment, knowledge responsibility, respect, and trust” (I’m going to throw consideration in there as well). What does it mean to give and receive love? Have I ever felt real love? Have I ever even given it? So many questions I’ve found the answers to. I learned that much of what we feel can be classified as other things besides love. Things that aren’t love. Things like lust, obsession, and even possession. I’ve become more aware and intentional with the action of loving; dedicating time, energy, and effort to love and understanding my relationship to it. And it is one that was severely strained.
Going without a partner for over four years, I’ve had some very lonely moments. In those moments where I needed companionship, I sought out my friends, and in others, I sought out myself. I explored my heart and what I desire. Surprisingly, my heart is a lot softer than I’ve ever realized. Yea, sometimes I might be the bro, but I’m sometimes baby too. So I want a love(r) that’s tender and sweet. Although it isn’t obvious and I’ve never asked for it in the past, I want emotional support. Correction, I need emotional support. I realized I’ve only been holding my own because I had to, not because I wanted to. I want to feel like the most delicate flower; a plant you must diligently attend to because it will die upon being neglected. My ex and guys I’ve briefly dated seemed to have in common a kind of emotional detachment and unavailability- they were hard; rigid. I also grew up in an environment where emotions were something that you deal with on your own, if at all. And you definitely don’t express them. I need the emotional security of a partner who reassures me it’s okay to reveal my deepest emotions. That it’s safe to do so because I won’t be judged, have my feelings dismissed, or gaslit; where I can sit comfortably in my vulnerability. The vulnerability I’ve worked so damn hard to embrace. Yea, I need someone who’s going to nurture that.
My second major lesson came after reading “Attached.” by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. Attached is a book that speaks thoroughly on 3 adult attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and secure. A chapter or two into the book you’re to take the attachment quiz. Upon checking my results I learned most of my tallies were split between two styles: anxious and secure. Very weird because in the book it states the two are opposites. If you’re secure you’re neither anxious nor avoidant. And if you’re anxious or avoidant you aren’t secure. Because your attachment style can change (the more you learn and practice healing unhealthy actions), I conclude that this paradox is because I’m presently growing through my anxious attachment and becoming more secure, which is gratifying. I still have a ways to go, though. Having an anxious attachment means, I yearn for intimacy and closeness (full-circle moment), and when I don’t get my desired amount my nervous system is triggered and I become slightly unbalanced and may throw tantrums (directly and indirectly) as a result. Tantrums, which are technically called “protest behavior” are what we anxious folk do in an attempt to gain that closeness and intimacy we crave from our partners but aren’t receiving. This protest behavior can on one end be blowing up a phone in an attempt to talk to your partner (can’t relate) to falling completely back in hopes that the person realizes you’ve fallen back, and fights to regain you (my specialty). All with the underlying purpose of gaining attention and reconnection. I do this in ALL of my relationships, platonic, romantic, familial, and never even truly realized it.
What an eye-opener this was. That’s ME to a capital “T”. Before now, I didn’t know how to explain it and I definitely didn’t see the pattern of behavior. Ignorantly, I concluded that maybe I had a bad temper, a too strong sense of pride, and a slice of immaturity. But there’s a whole science behind it that’s much more complex. Knowing and understanding why we (anxious attachment babes) are lashing out, is the first step in growing beyond this behavior. The book also provides you will countless examples of everything and ways to find resolve. Not so spoiler alert: it essentially boils down to communication.
I just wanna be loved on by the people I’m loving on. I want them to realize my significance. I want them to want to fight for the bond and relationship as much as I. And more importantly, I want them to realize it on their own. Without me having to draw the picture. But everyone is different and throwing a bitch fit ain’t solving anything
I’m neither the best nor the worst communicator. The issue with me is I tend to wait until I’m backed against a wall or severely unhappy. My experiences paired with the teachings of this book have learned me that that will almost always result in a failed mission. Despite wanting to draw closer, these tactics will always leave me afar and alone. I have to communicate my boundaries, expectations, and need for reassurance clearly, at the beginning, not the end. With direct communication, I’d be taking a proactive stance, not a reactive one. I’d actually be receiving my partner's consent and providing them with a fair opportunity to walk away in the beginning or come better prepared. Disappointment would cease to exist along with the resentment stemming from them potentially feeling deceived as if I’d lured them in under false pretenses.
I am thoroughly enjoying life as an individual though. I actually don’t want a relationship right now. The full autonomy and freedom that come with being alone are unmatched. My favorite pastime? Flirting. The world’s best pastime. I like flirting with people I don’t want. Playing with the possibility of more, all the while knowing there won’t be. Wait, that’s toxic? Am I the villain? I am if I want to be. And there again is the beauty. I can be selfish and impulsive without having to consider the feelings of someone else. For someone who has always done that, I might as well be able to fly.
Bonus tea: Another anxious attachment characteristic is fixating on a single person that we find and like. So, in addition to relishing in my freedom, I must keep my options open for my mental health. Divide my attention that way not one person has it. Remaining detached and unattached until I’m ready and they’re worthy. It’s literally in the book, I promise!
But no, I’m not the villain. I’m the DRAMA. Being alone allows me to be exactly who I am. I’m not compressing or over-expanding to people-please or impress. I’m not creating subversions of myself for everyone I meet. Can we talk about the insecurities of being a people-pleaser? The self-conscious act of questioning if you’re being the “right” version of yourself for that one person. In general, it’s a lot, but the level of intensity it grows into when coupled with the yearning for a mate or companionship? WHEW. Who are you truly when you like someone? Or in love? Or desperate and longing? Are you recognizable by yourself or those closest to you? You must go through all of the seasons and their storms. Because I’ve sat by myself for so long, bitch, I’m the WEATHERMAN, okay?! STORM WATCHER, you hear me? It takes time and various experiences to establish your identity as a person. Raw and uninfluenced by others or your own urges and impulses. You must experience a kind of rock-bottom aloneness to discover who you are at your core. I did. I dated a guy who was actually an avoidant attachment style. Very reserved and he didn’t need help from me. Much of my identity used to be wrapped into this advice person, but who am I outside of that? Who am I outside of being someone’s friend or support system? What is my significance, value, or uniqueness outside of these things? What is my contribution as no one? These questions were my rock bottom. And the answers are me now: poised atop the highest peak I’ve ever been. A peak that wouldn’t be possible if I wasn’t living single. In addition to all of the hobbies and interests, I’ve fostered having to entertain my lonely little ass this whole time!
I’m LITERALLY the coolest girl in the world.
So, all of the knowledge, confidence, and comfort I’ve grown within myself these past four years are the reasons why my optimism around dating has grown, despite its complicated reality. How could I not want to remain single? It’s fun over here! And honestly, the more I’m alone, the better it’ll be once I’m not.
Make sense?
