Who She? Part V: Dynamic. A Force.

In my journal lies pages after pages of self-reflection. I learned a lot about myself during the five weeks of my journaling challenge last year. The prompts lead me to discover such profound things about myself that I was comfortable with all that I knew. I felt so accomplished— I thought I had learned all there was at this stage of my life (or at least the year chile). Not even two whole months later I found myself at the crossroads of another unchartered emotional roadway. I did NOT see this coming. And I beat myself up about it. How didn’t I see this coming? Was I not honest enough with myself during my journaling? Was I being naïve this whole time? How questionable are all of my other relationships now? The answers to these questions are irrelevant. What’s more important is what’s being presented to me now, and Instead of tormenting myself with the if’s, and’s, and buts, I needed to focus on working backward to figure out tp which questions have I been given these answers.

Just because something about me, characteristically, is incompatible with someone, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad characteristic to have or that I should change.

My fixing can be a fault, I’ve realized. When something isn’t working, I go into overdrive to repair it. Prepared to compromise and adapt. It’s needed most of the time to solve a problem. I saw no downside to this trait until now. Until I was being made the “problem”. I was fully willing to change who I was. But even more than being willing, I realize subconsciously, I’d already been doing so… for a while. I rejoice in the fact that it stopped here. Not to the credit of myself- that I’ll give to her. Her decision to end our friendship gave me time to realize all of what I was willing to risk in order to make our friendship work. Because that’s me, I make things work. I fix. But the option to fix was now taken from me for the first time, and it was a blessing. I had no choice, but to embrace the opportunity to be still and think - about both, the friendship and myself. Think about what it meant to be the “problem”. What was the problem… I had the time to see that, “fixing” that issue between us, would’ve required me to strip away so much of myself. I was almost without my vibrancy. That thing that made me Kiera. That thing… that is the soul of who I am. The thing “hurting” her and I’s relationship, but strengthening all of my other ones. The very thing that’s value and cherished by myself and many others.

My brother being the ass that he is sometimes, obligated to seize every opportunity to joan, made a joke about me being “the common denominator”. WeLL… Do yOu ThiNk iT’s YoU? he said sarcastically. “Hell, no!”. By the time I replied, he and our younger brother were already cackling. They found this hysterical because they KNOW of my friendship woes throughout the years, how seriously I felt about those friendships, and how much I pride myself on being a great friend. What made it even funnier, and the main reason why the joke was made, was because they knew it was bullshit.

Despite my answer and what I felt, I still thought about it for a few days. I know I’m a great friend, but, at the same time, I’m humble enough not to allow my confidence to stunt my growth. So, I think… Here I am falling out with another friend. Why am I here AGAIN? For the first time, maybe ever, doubt crept in. So, I started dissecting each experience and who I was in those moments. What was my position? What were my intentions? How did I handle things? Just as I thought, it ain’t my fault, like Silkk The Shocker. There are expectations and requirements I have for my friends (any and everyone in my life really) and in each of these situations, I was only enforcing those expectations and demanding better (really just fair) treatment for myself. I expect communication, honesty, and loyalty. I expect to be considered and to be supported. I expect to be treated as a friend should. I expect to be given back all that I give. If I can’t expect all of these things from a friend, I can’t call you one. I shouldn’t and I won’t. I’ll never regret advocating for myself. No matter who I lose.

At one point I felt guilty for having expectations and was even told several times I was “doing too much” by this “friend”. And I believed it for a while until one day. Fundamentally, this is what makes a friendship. I was absolutely not doing too much. I could even afford to do a lot more, honestly. If we can’t or refuse to uphold the positions we play in the lives of our loved ones, then what the hell are we there for? With friends especially, because they are who we choose. Why choose someone to be in your life to treat them like shit. Or to treat them insignificantly? The role of a friend is one that bears a lot of responsibility. And I personally, am fully willing to make that commitment. I honor and cherish being chosen.

I’m eternally grateful for this heartbreaking experience. Although it hurt being gaslit and condemned for what was actually someone else’s lack of self-awareness and inability to be accountable, I learned a lesson that I otherwise wouldn’t have. For the first time, I was forced to view myself through an unfamiliar lens.

It was a needed challenge to affirm to myself, who I truly am.

In physics, a force is any interaction that, when unopposed, will change the motion of an object. A force can cause an object with mass to change its velocity (which includes, to begin moving from a state of rest), i.e., to accelerate.

I’ve realized that I am a natural force. This is something that I never want to change.

I strive to be a felt presence in the lives of everyone I reach. A presence that is meaningful, abundant, FELT. I want to be involved in the personal growth, progression, and happiness of my friends. I want to be a catalyst for their evolution. If a mistake is made or help is needed, I make sure to be where I’m needed. There to deliver the honest truth, any insight I may have, and a willing hand to walk alongside them through the fire. And in a situation like the one I find myself here, I will hold my friends accountable for their mistakes and try to urge, but also nurture, their growth. I am not a passive presence. This is what makes me, me.

I’m not for those who prefer relationships that enable unhealthy behavior or favor shallow meaningless interactions. This here meat and potatoes.

And given this, I had to accept that this doesn’t work for everyone. I’ve been naïve in thinking everyone wants the same things as I do in relationships or wants to grow in the manner or rate that I do. Everyone’s journey is their own. I can’t force growth on anyone, no matter how beneficial. And just because I’m a great person, that doesn’t mean I’m everyone’s type of person (blasphemous really, I know). I’ve taken full responsibility for my ignorance and have since shifted the way I perceive growth and relationships. Where I welcome growth no matter how strenuous or how thin I’m stretched, I understand that someone else may not. Growth is painful and for some, it feels better to avoid it. For some, it’s harder to inflict that pain on yourself. My position was never to appear to rush someone’s growth, but being this person who is brutally honest, truly authentic, and is pretty strong thorough, I may unintentionally be too…. aggressive? Persistent may be a better word. My head-first, charge full speed ahead approach to growth could be intimidating and overwhelming for someone who’s ill-equipped or a total novice in the practice.

It was just a lot for me to process emotionally. I was lead to believe I could be vulnerable and authentic, but in reality, it wasn’t as safe of a space as I thought. Being wrongfully faulted for all of the issues of a relationship felt like the lowest of blows. It felt like a betrayal not being given at least a portion of the grace I’ve granted so graciously. It’s taken some time not to take this personally, and I still need a lot of time, truthfully.

I still have to remind myself that, while it’s not for everyone, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being this way. It’s easier to reassure myself of this with those who remain in my corner genuinely loving, accepting, and appreciating me for all of whom I am. And it’s become easier to embrace this quality about myself. I can truly begin to step fully into this version of myself now that I don’t have to dilute myself to make someone else comfortable or tolerant of me.

Someone else’s incapacity isn’t your fault.

Dynamic
adj. (of a person) positive in attitude and full of energy and new ideas.
adj. (of a person or system) characterized by constant change, activity, or progress.